Is how Kids are brought up seriously damaging to Crossdressers (and the rest of Transgender)

This was originally written for an MtF crossdressers forum hence the focus on MtF CDs rather than all of Transgender but I'm sure most readers will be astute enough to see the similarities and if any would like to raise differences or contrary views in comments then please do so!

Is how kids are brought up seriously damaging to CD's?
I've been considering the issues of why most CDs are in the closet, often well into marriages before they are able to come out to their wives if at all.

Why is that so? Usually we answer 'because society isn't accepting of CDs'...

That sounds logical but is it really how it works? Do we at whatever point we start CDing, from 3-4 through to teens, think to ourselves: 'Yup, this is who I am, but gee i better not tell anyone as society isn't accepting'?

I think that usually we are all well aware that it's taboo before we try on our first piece of womens clothing. Certainly as we see here many of us struggle daily with the reality that we are crossdressers.

From the very beginning of our lives we have been living ina gender-coded world. Colours, styles, toys, books, tv shows, clothes... almost in every case from baby to teen we have gender coded things. Cribs and mobiles and wallpaper and posters and comics... almost every single thing is gender coded.

And that coding is segregated. It's made clear that people are not suppossed to like the things from the other gender code. When we see examples of people doing so they are usually mocked or derided. It's made clear to boys growing up that 'throw like a girl' or 'act like a girl' are serious insults, as is Sissy.

Often conformity to the boy part of the code is enforced through violence or threats of violence, often enough that has even come from parents who considered it important to 'toughen up' their boys.

We get no role models of people crossing the gender line, we get no messages of acceptability of crossing the gender line. If we see or hear of it at all it's as a negative.

Is it any wonder most crossdressers live in, or pass through, intense fear and shame and guilt? Is it any wonder that we hide the full reality of being crossdressers even from ourselves?

Some can handle it better than others... but that is true of all things.

I think that the way we grow up is quite literally abusive. Not always intentionally so but abusive nonetheless. And that it abuses not just transgender kids but everyone else too. I think it is because of this that society struggles so much to accept us, that family and friends struggle so much to accept, that wives struggle so much and that CDs themselves struggle so much.

I think that to judge ourselves, to judge one another and to deal with the issues of CDing in marriages fairly we will have to accept that we have been abused. That it effects most of us profoundly emotionally and psychologically.

And that to get societies acceptance and ensure future generations will not suffer as badly as we then we will have to raise the public awareness of crossdressing.

Not just in our imediate streets and shopping malls and neighbourhoods by being out etc, though when any one of us is strong enough to do so it definately helps, but by getting the subject more, and importantly better, media exposure!

The next generation of teens have the advantage of the gender fluidity in some anime... but thats certainly not enough, just better. TS and CD teens still struggle with being TG.

So do you think I'm right? What are your views on the subject?

Is the crossdressing community held back by the concerns of hetero marriages?

This is something I've been pondering for some time.

The standard line is that most crossdressers are 'straight'. Personally i doubt this because I think the degree of 100% heterosexuality of the whole community is I think overexaggerated.

Nevertheless much of the crossdressing world online and in organisations often revolves around MtF CDs Cis wives and girlfriends.

There are the concerns of coming out or being outed on ones future dating prospects, there are those who've kept their CDing a secret from their wives who fear to lose their marriages or to cause upset hurt and harm to their wives by coming out to them. And even those who do share their CDing with their wives make all manner of concessions to their feellings and comfort.

And organisations likewise are concerned with the comfort and feellings of wives of straight crossdressers.

Because of wives frequent concerns that their husbands CDing means they might be Gay some organisations ban or minimise the visibility of Bisexual and Gay crossdressers.

Because of wives frequent concerns their husbands may be Transsexual and transition similarly some ban or marginalise Transsexuals too.

Also the view that the public perception is that all CDs are gay has some reacting with hostility towards Gays and Drag Queens.

Now today I'm not going to discuss the validity of each of those decisions (though feel free to do so in comments), I certainly am not saying that the concerns feellings and needs of CDs wives are not important. It is firstly important to know that much of this is done under the notion of 'protecting' the wives and ensuring they 'don't get the wrong idea' by going to a CD support group meeting and seeing gay people there or hearing mention of TSs transitioning. Which in my view must be rough for those few whose CDing husbands do turn out to be Bi and/or TS!

Instead for the moment I will focus on the consequences of the actions based on these concerns.

Firstly the vast majority of CDs appear to be deeply in the closet. I've seen claims that range from 2% of the population to 10% regularly crossdress. Thats a pretty significant sized minority. It is quite comparable to estimates of the numbers of Gays and Lesbians I've seen. The most common reason for being closeted according to CD forums i've been on appears to be about impact on wives/girlfriends. Sure the rest is there that other closeted groups face: other family, career, friends etc but this one appears to have a major additional impact on the numbers of those willing to be out.

The next is the seperation of groups with otherwise common causes. Fear of being labeled as Gay or blaming Drag Queens for negative views in society of CDs means that CDs have little if anything to do with GLB groups despite similar closeting and discrimination experiences that should naturally have them working hand in hand.

Then of course there is the schism with much of the rest of Transgender. Transsexuals lose out on the larger group which as allies could help them in their many shared and unshared issues. There also ends up an emphasis on passing which tends to isolate the genderqueer. And of course some transsexuals consider themselves for a time crossdressers, often hoping that just the clothes would be enough and ful transition surgery et al would not be neccessary only to find as they gain self acceptance that this is not the case. In some CD groups these TSs get ostracised in case they may trigger wives fears and then some TS groups ostracise them for having been in the CD community.

And there is a substantial hostility amongst many groups for any form of politics.

It is a community largely paralysed by fear. One that if those numbers are correct could have a profound impact if only it could rid itself of it's own homophobia and transphobia and perhaps some of the fear of upsetting or validating the fears of the wives of a portion of the community.

There are some crossdressers who oppose the heterosexist binary-gender views when they are expressed, who try and reform the biased policies of some groups, who try and rouse others to action, who try and assist some in coming out and of course in opposing the negative stereotypes of CDs which are found in the mainstream and GLBT communities. But the crossdressing community still appears to be far behind the rest of LGBT.

But how should the community face the fears and concerns and needs of the het relationships within it?

What if any say should a wife have over a husbands degree of being out? Of how often and to what extent they can express their femininity? How should their fears and concerns be handled? How should the needs of married Het CDs be balanced against those who are Bi etc?

And what about the FtM guys? Do they have these sorts of issues? Because I only hear about this problem from the FtM community. Maybe some of the great guys who have dropped by here could give me their perspective on this?