Monday, December 1, 2008

Letting the Heart get a few words in

It feels like hilly country, the road I'm travelling within my chest.

Plenty of steep hills, sudden descents, unexpected turns and the like.
And things come in bursts with long falt sttais of dull monotony in between.

It's been an interesting time. I've come out to a number more people directly and I've made things blatantly obvious in my 'gradual acclimatisation' plan with some others.

I've had plenty of compliments on my increased gender non conformity in public which is encouraging and by several reactions the sex appeal of androgyny has not gone even though it is not 'fashionable'. I'll definately wear my purple lipstick more often.

But despite this encouragement and the acceptance from friends there is still plenty of troubles. There are the remnants of old fears that still remain, some still yet to be conciously discovered. There are the deep wounds left from my past relationship. There are the fears that have been borne by that become reflexive.

And it's all well and good when someone while drunk tells me they like me because I'm weird, but i remember hearing that before till suddenly one of my weirdnesses was 'not normal' (despite that weirdness being far more ethical than many of their 'normalities') so I fear.

So sure, my ex GF wants me back but how soon would it be before i'm considered too 'not normal' again? How can I measure the degree of improvement she claims over her issues that made things impossible? And sure there are some others who clearly find me attractive but again the fear is strong.

And while I have friends I like, friends I respect, few of those friendships are at that deep rich emotional support-system relating level of friendship and opening up emotionally too much can be the kiss-of-death to far to many friendships. And the fear of losing those friendships can often stop me from trying beyond a minor level. And people who are not disabled will often have little idea just how much time energy and effort goes into building and maintaining friendships.

And it's a host of issues, not just my broad gender expression or my disability (though in many ways thats the worst one) but all the many insecurities and too-often validated concerns that build up.

And then theres just the huge horrible problem that comes with having no main outlet. No work and no study is a horrible torture. But worse is knowing that I am not currently capable of either without setting myself into a downard spiral of deterioration. But going for days without face-to-face human contact every week is just horrific. And it's not like I'm capable of throwing myself into my writing or art either. I'm barely able to keep up with basic housework and enough entertainment and net activity to keep me reasonably sane while struggling to reserve enough capacity to more frequently get out and get more social interaction.

I want to do things. To make a contribution to the world. I see so many apathetic folk and wonder how they can manage to squander so much in such banality.

Oh if only there was a cure or treatment for this curse that has had me living my life dragging against locked brakes for half my existence... there is so much of life i want to sink my claws and teeth into.

Nevertheless, I am frequently caught up in hope too. Chance circumstances fall in my favour as much as they do against me lately. There is much to appreciate and look forward to.

As I unlock more of the feellings I'd set aside, held back and locked away each requires developing skills and understanding. As I find more acceptance for my gender variation that too has waves of emotional reactions, and rational logical pondering too as much insight is gained, unknown hypocracies noticed to amend and new data thet requires the review and often changing of long held opinions.

And while that can be painful, it's good in the long term, like the pain that comes from stretching a tense muscle so that it relaxes.

So slowly it's a matter of finding ways to get through the periodic days of sorrow anger and tears (more chocolate definately helps. Now where's that polyphenol enriched chocolate that CFS study tantalised me with damit!) and hopefully some new Hammer vampire DVDs and some anime will help. And ways to try and build the social and emotional bonds needed to break this horrid isolation that goes hand-in-hand with CFS.

And at the end of this blogpost I'm smiling as I touch up my purple lipstick, enjoying the rattle of the bells on my anklet and looking forward to the future.

1 comment:

Marcus said...

Hey Battybattybats,

the Australian Human RIghts Commission has made the following release.
Priority Mailing List
Consultation a watershed opportunity to protect human rights in

9 December 2008

Consultation a watershed opportunity to protect human rights in

The President of the Australian Human Rights Commission, Catherine
Branson QC, said the national consultation into human rights,
announced by the federal Attorney-General tonight, was an important
opportunity for Australians to give consideration to what these rights
mean to them and whether their rights are adequately protected.

“Sixty years ago today the Universal Declaration of Human Rights came
into existence, and Australia not only assisted in its drafting, but
had earlier helped found the United Nations itself – so it is a matter
of some surprise that, almost a decade into the 21st Century, human
rights continue to remain inadequately protected in our own country,”
President Branson said.

Ms Branson said she was particularly conscious that Australia is the
only liberal democracy in the world without a charter or bill of

“Our daily work at the Commission reveals laws and policies that
inadequately protect rights, and every day we hear from individuals
who feel that their rights have been breached.”

Ms Branson said the Commission will draw on its considerable expertise
in the promotion and protection of human rights, not only to assist
Australians to take part in the consultation, but also to make its own
contribution to the consultation by proposing new strategies for
improving human rights protection in Australia.

Human Rights Commissioner, Graeme Innes said, “The Commission will use
this opportunity to establish people’s fears and desires in relation
to human rights and to explain why we feel a better understanding of
human rights will help us create a society of which we may be proud.”

“We will be working with all sectors of the community, including the
federal government and public service, business leaders, community
organisations and disadvantaged communities to discuss human rights
and how they might be relevant to people’s everyday lives,” said Mr

President Branson congratulated the government on this watershed
consultation about human rights and said the Commission urged as many
people and organisations as possible to participate.

Information and materials about a charter of rights and how to
participate in the national consultation are available on the
Commission website at

Media contact: Brinsley Marlay 02 9284 9656 or 0430 366 529