It feels like hilly country, the road I'm travelling within my chest.
Plenty of steep hills, sudden descents, unexpected turns and the like.
And things come in bursts with long falt sttais of dull monotony in between.
It's been an interesting time. I've come out to a number more people directly and I've made things blatantly obvious in my 'gradual acclimatisation' plan with some others.
I've had plenty of compliments on my increased gender non conformity in public which is encouraging and by several reactions the sex appeal of androgyny has not gone even though it is not 'fashionable'. I'll definately wear my purple lipstick more often.
But despite this encouragement and the acceptance from friends there is still plenty of troubles. There are the remnants of old fears that still remain, some still yet to be conciously discovered. There are the deep wounds left from my past relationship. There are the fears that have been borne by that become reflexive.
And it's all well and good when someone while drunk tells me they like me because I'm weird, but i remember hearing that before till suddenly one of my weirdnesses was 'not normal' (despite that weirdness being far more ethical than many of their 'normalities') so I fear.
So sure, my ex GF wants me back but how soon would it be before i'm considered too 'not normal' again? How can I measure the degree of improvement she claims over her issues that made things impossible? And sure there are some others who clearly find me attractive but again the fear is strong.
And while I have friends I like, friends I respect, few of those friendships are at that deep rich emotional support-system relating level of friendship and opening up emotionally too much can be the kiss-of-death to far to many friendships. And the fear of losing those friendships can often stop me from trying beyond a minor level. And people who are not disabled will often have little idea just how much time energy and effort goes into building and maintaining friendships.
And it's a host of issues, not just my broad gender expression or my disability (though in many ways thats the worst one) but all the many insecurities and too-often validated concerns that build up.
And then theres just the huge horrible problem that comes with having no main outlet. No work and no study is a horrible torture. But worse is knowing that I am not currently capable of either without setting myself into a downard spiral of deterioration. But going for days without face-to-face human contact every week is just horrific. And it's not like I'm capable of throwing myself into my writing or art either. I'm barely able to keep up with basic housework and enough entertainment and net activity to keep me reasonably sane while struggling to reserve enough capacity to more frequently get out and get more social interaction.
I want to do things. To make a contribution to the world. I see so many apathetic folk and wonder how they can manage to squander so much in such banality.
Oh if only there was a cure or treatment for this curse that has had me living my life dragging against locked brakes for half my existence... there is so much of life i want to sink my claws and teeth into.
Nevertheless, I am frequently caught up in hope too. Chance circumstances fall in my favour as much as they do against me lately. There is much to appreciate and look forward to.
As I unlock more of the feellings I'd set aside, held back and locked away each requires developing skills and understanding. As I find more acceptance for my gender variation that too has waves of emotional reactions, and rational logical pondering too as much insight is gained, unknown hypocracies noticed to amend and new data thet requires the review and often changing of long held opinions.
And while that can be painful, it's good in the long term, like the pain that comes from stretching a tense muscle so that it relaxes.
So slowly it's a matter of finding ways to get through the periodic days of sorrow anger and tears (more chocolate definately helps. Now where's that polyphenol enriched chocolate that CFS study tantalised me with damit!) and hopefully some new Hammer vampire DVDs and some anime will help. And ways to try and build the social and emotional bonds needed to break this horrid isolation that goes hand-in-hand with CFS.
And at the end of this blogpost I'm smiling as I touch up my purple lipstick, enjoying the rattle of the bells on my anklet and looking forward to the future.
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